So I'm letting Josh Aterovis say it for me:
I recently watched the first season of the hit Logo series Noah's Arc on DVD. While I doubt there are any Emmy nominations in the show's near future, it's really sweet and entertaining. I count myself among its fans now. One of the things that most impressed me was the way it didn't shy away from tackling tough subjects with unflinching honesty. One of the topics raised was the way gay men have a tendency to worship the heterosexual image. In white culture, it's the whole Abercrombie model obsession. In the African-American culture, they call them homothugs.
That got me thinking about how often I hear someone gay use the expression "straight-acting" to describe another gay man. The more I thought about it, the more offensive it became. I'm sure I've been guilty of using it in the past, but more recently, I've come to realize just how damaging the term can be -- both within and outside the LGBT community.
How does one even act straight? Is there one prescribed way to be heterosexual? And why would a gay person even want to act straight? Possibly because the flip side of acting straight would be acting gay.
Ask your average Joe on the street what it means to act gay and you're likely to get a laundry list of gay stereotypes: limp wrist, lisp, obsession with appearance, flamboyant, and effeminate, maybe with a few "you go, girls" thrown in for good measure. Do I know any gay people who fit that description? Sure. But I know even more who don't. The truth is there are as many ways to act gay as there are to act straight. It's the stereotypes that scare some people, though.
I used to date a guy who could easily have been described as straight acting. By his nature, he was very masculine: liked guns and cars, played in a death-metal band, and always dressed in a sloppy-casual style that was as far from the typical "gay style" as you could get. He had a sweet, sensitive side, but he viewed it as more of a weakness than anything. On more than one occasion, I heard him make extremely homophobic remarks. It always bothered me, but I was still struggling with finding my own identity at the time, so I never made an issue of it.
After we broke up, I remember him telling me about a time when he was out with a group of his straight friends, none of whom knew he was gay, and they started assaulting a couple of obviously gay guys. He couldn't understand why I found the situation so disturbing. Eventually, I came to realize that he was extremely self-hating. Going into the military and having to crawl even deeper into the closet certainly didn't help. Today, he's dating a woman even though he's told me he still considers himself gay. He's taking acting straight to a whole new level.
I think a big part of his issue is that he'll never fit society's idea of what it means to be gay. He could never be somebody's girlfriend. Of course, you and I know that not every gay man has to fit the stereotype, but his fear was that if people knew he was gay, they would assume he did. He was always afraid people would judge him as something he wasn't.
Obviously, we can't blame all his issues on society. He's responsible for his own actions, and the general public is changing as quickly as it can. These things take time. However, the gay community has to share in the blame. We've accepted the idea that there's a specific code of conduct that makes one gay or straight.
So many gay people are caught up in negative image ideas. Some feel they have to act a certain way in order to be gay -- you have to worship Madonna, call all your guy friends "girlfriend," and sleep around as much as possible. Hey, if that's who you really are then great! You be you. The problem is, I've seen so many young gay guys just coming out embrace these traits simply because they've been led to believe that's what being gay means.
On the flip side, I've also seen many gay guys who are so busy trying to emulate heterosexuals that they start to resent their more flamboyant brothers. I hate to hear a gay man say something like, "I can't stand flamey guys." That's just as homophobic as Fred Phelps picketing a gay funeral with a "God Hates Fags" sign.
Again, I want to stress that if you're naturally inclined to be feminine or masculine, then run with it! I don't believe there's anything more freeing than accepting who you really are. I have a close friend who fought for years against his desire to be a drag queen. When we first met him, he was struggling to tone down his flamboyant nature for the sake of his straight friends. Over the course of the last few years, he stopped trying to be something he wasn't and simply allowed the real him to shine through. Today, he's happier than ever, and he didn't lose a single friend in the process. In fact, all his friends have been 100 percent supportive.
The idea that there is only one way to be gay is extremely damaging, not just for those of us already free from the closet, but for those who haven't come out as well. Here's the catch-22: The more non-stereotypical gay people who come out, the more the stereotypes will be debunked, but the very ones who need to come out in order to do this may be afraid to come out because they don't feel they fit the stereotypes.
By continuing to embrace phrases like straight-acting, we're perpetuating the idea that there is a proper way to act gay. The truth is you can't act gay or straight. The words only describe what gender you're attracted to, and how do you act as if you're attracted to the opposite sex?
So let's get rid of the mindset that there is a particular way to be gay or straight. If we want society to accept us as we are, we have to accept each other first. We have to realize that we come in all shapes and sizes, colors and creeds. We range from magnificently masculine to fabulously feminine, and everything in-between. There is no one way to "act gay," so let's celebrate all of the many colors that make up our rainbow flag. We need to stop acting like anything, and just be who we are.
© Josh Aterovis, All Rights Reserved. Josh Aterovis is the author of the Killian Kendall Mystery Series as well as numerous columns and articles. Article provided by GayLinkContent.com
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